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Submitted By: ALFREDO BALLESTEROS Here it is.: Two cowboys come up on an Indian with his ear to the ground and his hands above his head. One cowboy tells the other, These Indians are amazing, they can tell all kinds of things by listening to the ground, watch. Hey Indian what is it? Indian says, wagon, two and a half miles out, heading west, two horses, black Stallion, white Mare. man woman, two children, boy girl. have furniture in wagon, pulling milk cow. Cowboy says Dang you can tell all that by listening to the ground, Indian says NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO they ran over me thrity minutes ago.
Submitted By: Bob Here it is.A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse . The buddy says,"how will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment" So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again, and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing."Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"? Submitted By: Wayne Here it is.A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!." The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well." "Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted. "Call who back?" The man asked.
"The FISH." Submitted By: Cindy Here it is.The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered for a long time till little Mary stood up, angry, and said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal who would fire the teacher! The teacher ignored her and asked the question again, "which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher said "very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 1) you have a dirty mind, 2) you didn't read your homework, and 3) one day you will be very, very disappointed Submitted By: I Plead The Fifth (made me do it) Here it is.Good Morning Try to imagine...., you are in bed...you wake up after way too many cheap strong drinks... you think someone is breathing next to you !!! Somebody is lying next to you, with the covers up to their forehead ...... Who is that ???????? You can’t remember exactly the evenings scenario... ??? What happened last night ??? You can barely remember a passionate, raunchy, end to the evening ....! Aroused by sexual desire.... you take the duvet cover into your hand.. and with one pull you yank the duvet away....... looking in disbelieve at the person next to you...........
Submitted By: wayne Here it is.It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following...
Please join me in remembering a great icon -- the veteran Pillsbury spokesman.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his laterlife was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he, even still as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes. Submitted By: Wayne Here it is.Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk. Bureaucracy You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Corporate: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead. Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government. Submitted By: Bone Daddy Here it is.Com'on girls don't be shy we know you got some good jokes out there. But no sharp objects please. Submitted By: Wayne Here it is.On Marriage Submitted By: Howard JokeTwo cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just a little smaller than your sister's" and then you try to hold on for eight seconds Submitted By: No Bone Daddy JokeMEDICAL NEWS FLASH - Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagra, in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. The product will be marketed under the trade name "Mydixadrill." Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one. Submitted By: Steve JokeLady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI ************************** Dumbstruck I was standing at the checkout with my two-year-old son, and there was a heavy-set gal in line ahead of us. As the cashier scanned the lady's items, the bar-code reader gave off a continuous beeping sound. All of a sudden, my son said loudly, "Mommy, watch out! She's going to back up! That was the only time in my life I wanted to crawl into a hole. Heather Barlow, 21, Hortonville, WI ******************************* Nuts about You My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let meforget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD ******************************* Strip Mall My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers. Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA ****************************************************** Curl Up and Die I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX ************************************** Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC ***************************************** Ho, Ho, Ho I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! *Name Withheld Surprise! ************************************* One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMB- TACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Submitted By: Skeeter JokeAPPLICATION TO BECOME A FULL-FLEDGED REDNECK Name:________ Nickname: Bubba_______ Skeeter_______ Other____ Can you spell your name correctly? Sometimes______ Never_____ With Help_____ Current Addess:________________ Number of Months Behind on Rent:_______ Neck Shade: Light Red_____ Medium Red_____ Dark Red_____ Peeling_____ Number of Teeth in full grin: 1___ 2___ 3___ More?_______ Approximate size and weight of beer belly:___________ Brand of Beer____ Brand of Chewing Tobacco:_________ Brand of Snuff:______________ Make of Pick-up truck:________ Size of Tires:________ 4 Wheel Drive?__ Number of Months Behind on Payments:__________ Does it have doors?_____ Altitude of Running Boards: 3'______ 6'______ 12'______ 16'______ Number of Empty Beer Cans Under the Seat:________ Broken Windows?_______ Is Truck Appropriately Equipped with the following? -- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: __________ -- Pit bull: __________ -- Air Horns: __________ -- Roll Bar: __________ -- Steer Horns on hood: __________ -- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" __________ -- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker __________ -- "BOCEHPUS" bumper sticker __________ -- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker __________ -- I love grits bumper sticker __________ -- "America, Love it or Leave it" bumper sticker __________ -- Desert Srorm bumper sticker __________ -- 12 foot CB antenna __________ -- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter __________ -- Spitoon __________ -- Mudflaps __________ -- Curb Feelers __________ -- Shot Guns in back window __________ How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not) -- Gardens made of old tires (tractor or truck) __________ -- Trucks or cars __________ -- Chickens or goats __________ -- Household appliances __________ -- Old Trailers __________ -- Bath Tubs __________ -- TV sets __________ Describe your last Elvis sighting:________________________________ Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull?___ Hog calling contest?___ Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed hat?_______ Shoes?______ Belt buckles that weigh more than three pounds?_____________ If so: Have you worn them to Funerals_____ Weddings______ Church_______ Job Interviews________ Fancy restaurants like Dennys's?__________ Do you bathe with: Soap_______ Relatives________ Small animals_______ How often? Weekly______ Monthly______ Once a year_____ Twice a year____ Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry Husbands______ Wives_____ Fathers-in-law______ Mothers-in-law________ The Law_______ Does your wife weigh more than or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck__ Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks____ Two months____ Two years__ Have you seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant____ Barefoot____ Mad______ Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend:_____________ If you have had someone read all the above questions to you and you have completely understood them then place an "X" on the line below. ----------->________________ Witness Signature________________________________ Submitted By: Earl JokeThe Lawyer A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle. I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative -- he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services. He said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance & Administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist -- all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist -- all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was ... GOD, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh ... you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" Submitted By: Earl JokeThese two men walked into a bar. "What do you want to drink, Donkey?" one of the men asked. "A..A...A pa...pa..pi..pint o..of gi...gi..gi Guinness A..a pint of Guinness please." The other man goes up to the bar. "Two pints of Guinness for me and my mate, Donkey." The guy takes the drinks back. "Here you go,Donkey." Later when they finished their drinks the guy says to Donkey, "It's your round, Donkey. Go get us a pint o' Guinness." Donkey goes to the bar. "T..T...T..two pa..pa...pa..pi..pints o..o..of gi.. gin..gi..Guinness. Two pints of Guinness please." When the barman was sure Donkey's friend wasn't listening he said, "I think it's an awful cheek him calling you Donkey." "Oh," Donkey replies, "He..aw he..aw he..aw he always calls me that." Submitted By: The Texas 7 JokeAn escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over he woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.." Thank You! Submitted By: No Bone, Daddy JokeSubject: Viagra In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil, etc. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and has announced today that they have settled on the name,Mycoxafloppin. The FDA is requesting that anyone needing to purchase Viagra in the future should ask for it by it's generic name, Mycoxafloppin, since this is how pharmacists will identify the drug from now on. Also available by competitors as Mydixadril. Submitted By: Bone Daddy Jokelucky frog:: a man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. he is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. he thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "ribbit 9 iron." he looks around and doesn't see anyone. again, he hears "ribbit 9 iron." he looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. he is shocked. he says to the frog, "wow that's amazing. you must be a lucky frog, eh? the frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." the man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "what do you think frog?" the man asks. "ribbit 3 wood." the guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom! hole in one. the man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. by the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "ok where to next?" the frog replies, "ribbit las vegas." they go to las vegas and the guy says, "ok frog, now what?" the frog says, "ribbit roulette." upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "what do you think I should bet?" the frog replies, ribbit $3000, black 6." now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. the man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. hi sits the frog down and says, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." the frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." he figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "and that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. so help me god or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.
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